Not Always What they seem

My heart is pattering a mile a minute. I got an email from Patrick’s teacher saying she’d like to cram 3 bus riding sessions next week and then give him the riding alone with a ghost rider test. A week. Not a year, a week. After that he would ride the public bus to TRACE and home everyday. All of my instincts say no way. The thought of it makes my blood pressure rise. Does that mean he’s not ready and I know best? Is it just a natural Mom protectionist feeling? His teacher thinks he’s capable and I have the utmost respect for her opinion. We’ve gone this far on that basis only.

I really don’t want to write about this. I want to write about the beautiful colors outside on this spring day. How I drove home from my yoga class and admired the yellow and orange daisies in my neighbor’s front yard. But my heart is heavy with worry over this stupid bus stuff. I feel like someone put a bus on my chest and let go.

Is this much distress a natural by product of our children's growth? Should I go with the program and have faith that he will be able to make it on his own? Do I suck it up? I think he would like for me to. I think he wants to feel like he’s a real adult. It's impossible to figure out what he's thinking. Though now that I think about it, I wonder if much of his desire to ride the bus alone and work alone is a result of the continual “spinning” I’ve been giving him for many months about it. I have made it a big deal to everyone we know, grandparents, neighbors, everyone. I wonder if I switched my enthusiasm for him to say baseball, running or taking a college class, he might join the bandwagon and change his focus. It’s hard to say how much of his investment is heartfelt and how much is a result of the spin we play on his goals.

After getting this email from his teacher, obviously I’m stewing again. My heart just tells me that he’s not ready to go alone by himself everyday. Jeez. Everyday by himself an hour and a half or so each way to TRACE? I don’t see it. I ask Keith and he says that he doesn’t see it right now either. Devin confirms that he doesn’t believe it’s time for him either. That is a consensus by the three adults living in our house that are with Patrick everyday and have been all of his life.

Patrick has a baseball game today. His two buddies, one of whom is in his TRACE , the other was in the group until last year and their mothers are at the game. His teacher is going to come. I talk to the Moms who tell me to follow my heart and just say no. They also don’t see him right now riding the bus himself.

His teacher comes and I speak with her about my feelings. I feel torn up. The whole thing is resolved so quickly. She tells me not to worry, we can put the training off for 6 months and revisit it then. Just like that. There is time. We don’t need to rush into anything. A thousand pound block just rolled off my back.

What am I going to tell him? It’s my fault you can’t go through bus training now? It’s not forever, just a break. Keith doesn’t think he’ll care too much about it. I’m afraid he’ll break down and cry or get angry with me. The next day when he’s emptying the dishwasher, I tell him that I spoke with his teacher at the game. Because regular job at SeaWorld has not yet come through, he is going to take a break from the bus training. He was training to ride the bus to SeaWorld, right? Of course. Well, until the job comes through there, we don’t need to train. Spin, spin, and spin. He seemed to be okay with that. He said, "Then what will I do on Tuesdays?" We asuume he’d go back to going to the library with everyone else in the group on Tuesdays. He says his teacher has told him that the PB library is closed over the month of March. Must be a California budget solution. And so he delves, back into the unknown. Another day in the Adventures in Independence.