The Evolution of Friendships

Patrick has more friends and a busier social schedule than any of the rest of our family of six. As far as I know, none of the rest of us is autistic, though sometimes I wonder. A few years ago, you couldn’t have convinced me that I would have the honor of watching this change. At 17, I gave up hope that he would have a friend let alone be a friend. At 20, he’s a party animal, often seeking people out to do things with him. Is it maturity, hard work finally paying off or just the influence of some really good people? As Patrick would say, yes.

Everyone matures to some degree at their own pace. Maybe they learn to go down stairs or recognize a red stop light or any small thing they learn to do. Everyone does it. Other than two socks coming out of the laundry a single, change is the only constant in life. Growing up connected with adults. He read a lot of science books. When I say he read a lot of science books, that is an understatement. He consumed a lot of science books, obsessively Adults found it fascinating to hear him recite information about the gestation period of certain creatures. What a smart kid he is to be able to remember all of that. Patrick loved to hear and feel himself talk about things he was obsessed about. Other kids are not so interested in hearing these diatribes, usually directed at no one in particular. In time his obsession changed from scientific facts to legos, and Star Wars and sports. Things boys his age know and love. He also has a job that gives him a lot to share with his peers. Slowly, he is maturing. Heck, he can stay home by himself for half an hour, that is pretty mature. Maybe making friends is a part of that maturity. LIke when your babies learn to play with each other, rather than alone next to each other. It could be a part of the evolution, just in his own time frame.

Learning social skills has been a long, difficult process for Patrick. Many people aided in his journey. In high school he was still disinterested in his peers. I am a believer in in facilitating behaviors with rewards. For the autistic, relationships and interactions with others are behaviors. They don’t intuitively know how to how to relate. They can’t watch other’s behavior and follow the signs. They need to be taught to read social cues and their corresponding responses. We had an aide who was a wonderful loving person that made he was communicating in complete coherent responses all afternoon. Every grocery store clerk was an opportunity to interact with others. He got involved in special needs sports. We started with bowling and gradually added tennis and basketball. He has a couple good friends he made there who are also autistic. They interacted via prompts from the Mom’s, “Ask Clint how his day was.” “I’m doing fine” “Good job bowling, Patrick.” Nothing genuine or spontaneous, only the rote, memorized prompted and rewarded sentences. They were learning social skills. I believed that is how it would always be for him.

When he was 16 he went to Autism camp and met his first friend. The camp counselors brought him together with a boy just about his age For the first time in his life, enjoyed the company of a kid his age. They had sword fights. They talked about drawing. They didn’t seek each other out in a field and sit together giggling and carrying on the way other kids might, but they liked being with each other. And this was an accomplishment Later that summer, they went to surf camp together, which they did for several years. This boy didn’t live near our house, so it was difficult to pursue this relationship. We carted his friend back and forth to camp one year so the boys could interact with each other undisturbed. They exchanged emails. At first I helped Patrick with his email communication but after awhile let him go. Sometimes the emails didn’t make sense as they both are used to the mindset that everyone knows what they know, but they got the swing of it. Patrick used to tell me sometimes that Steven had emailed him that they were going to do something together over the weekend. I tried to explain to him that Steven couldn’t just show up at our house, he didn’t even know where we lived. Certainly Steven would call him first. Many such occasions came and went. Lo and behold, one day I came home from a run, and Patrick was gone. My husband said Steven had called and came over with his Dad to get him to a pirate ship. I never would have believed he would have a play date. Not even that one time. When they got home Steven told me that I needed to go shopping to buy Patrick a proper pirate suit, he was ill dressed!!

From his buddy Steven, we learned about a local group called Teen Jam. A family in this area got their teenagers and friends to interact with a group of teenagers with autism. The group grew into a club. Once a month they meet around town to do various activities, after which they practiced social skills. They would ask and answer questions about each other. At christmas time they have a dance. He’s learned a lot of group social skills. He also got in the Best Buddy program. They connect neurotypical peers with our guys. He’s had two really nice guys who have come to pick him up at our house and take him places like Seaworld or the movies. They exchange emails The group gets together for a party a couple times a year. Patrick plans guy dates with his buddy. He enjoys going out with these guys.

He started to open up even more when he connected with the people at TRACE. He was just 18. These are the most wonderful group of people. The teachers and aides are loving and wonderful. They are a community based operation and they take the kids into the community to interact with people. He starting working at Seaworld with a guy and they became friends. In the spring, Patrick joined his friend’s baseball team. They sat on the bench together, 19 and 20 years old, his friend introduced Patrick to the other guys on the team. Patrick puts his hand out and they shake hands, “This is Patrick, this is Ryan” “Hi Ryan”. Tears came to my eyes. These boys get together to play and to practice and they cheer for each other. They are hanging out like baseball players do. They high five each other. They each believe themselves to be professional baseball players. There is no competition, they’re all just good. There Patrick is, a part of the team. He loves to be a part of that team. It’s beautiful. These are very special friends, in an encouraging environment.

There’s another buddy in this group. He lives up the street from us. He also has Down’s syndrome. I brought Patrick up to his friend’s house when he was 13ish. The boy tried to give Patrick a credit card. Patrick laid down on the floor of their house and wouldn’t move. It didn’t go so well. His parents are not of the prompted friendship school. Maybe it’s because he’s not autistic and made friends easily. That was it. Five years later, they’re riding the bus together. His friend Nate came to his 19th birthday party, Star Wars themed. Then over the summer both of our families were in hawaii. We connected. Patrick convinced Nate to spend more time in the water. Nate taught Patrick how to be a little affectionate. They clicked. Nate joined the baseball team. They went to camp together. They play video games together. They hang out together. They even talk on the phone together. No joke. Not usually from Patrick’s prompt, but Nate will call here, just to talk to Patrick about something he’s obsessing about.

The biggest shock for me happened about a month ago, Patrick called me from the bus and asked if he could go over to Nate’s house after school to play video games. You will not believe the conversation I had with him. “Hmm, Patrick. Did Nate talk to his Mom about this? Did his Mom say that it was okay for you to come over?” “I don’t know,” he says. “Well, Nate has to make sure it’s okay with his Mom first. Hang up the phone right now and have Nate call his Mom”. We were discussing social etiquette, based on a request from him. I was amazed. I immediately sent an email to his friends Mom to let her know what was going on. She did not know what they were concocting together. They were in this together. Unbelievable. That is a very special friendship.

Patrick is a completely different person from three years ago, night and day. I often wonder to myself, if we had taken him out of the dysfunctional high school and put him early in with a group of people like he’s in now, would he have blossomed earlier? If I gotten him started in sports earlier, teen jam and other social classes, would that have made the difference? Or is it just good ol’ Father Time? Maturing Patrick on his own schedule. Despite all of our hard work and efforts. We’ll never know. Whatever it was, I’m thankful for it.